Play Nice

 Play Nice

K.R. Schneider

 

[Two chairs. Dennis and Madeline sit as if in a car. Madeline remains frozen while Dennis speaks to the audience.]

Dennis: They say you don't really know a person until you live with them. In the case of Madeline and I, you don't really know a person until they spend the entire fifth year of marriage trying to hit you in the face with a hairdryer. Or...toaster. Or that one time my flat screen. She’s a whack job. And she hates me. So this marriage is gonna' take the swan dive; that much is clear. Unfortunately, I'm not really up for breaking the news to my parents over family Christmas. Call me spineless, call me whatever you like. More than likely Madeline's already beat you to it. Fortunately enough for me, she's not big on confrontation with my parents either, so we've decided to wait until after the holidays and just tell them...via email. Needless to say the four hour car ride alone with my demented wife has not been the highlight of my holiday season. And smart money says it's just gonna' get worse.

 

[Dennis sits back and pantomimes driving – Madeline unfreezes]

 

Dennis: Listen, Madeline. I just…I want to be civil this weekend. It’s just two days, and it’s my parents…

 

Madeline: You are aware that I loathe you, correct?

 

Dennis: Yeah. I got that. I’m not all that fond of you either if we’re being honest.

Madeline: Oh, honesty! You want honesty and civility! That’s a laugh.

 

Dennis: Madeline, I just-

 

Madeline: I hate you, Dennis. Truly. I hate you.

 

Dennis: And I’m about half sure you somehow escaped from the underworld! Now listen, Hades! When we get to my parents’ house we will act like we wouldn’t rather be in prison for homicide!

 

[Madeline freezes – offended – Dennis speaks to the audience].

 

Dennis: Okay, so I haven’t really considered killing her. Well…maybe once. But you can bet she’s plotted my gruesome disappearance a time or two!

 

[Unfreeze]

 

Madeline: Whatever! I just hope your mother didn’t cook again. Gag me.

 

Dennis: Are you kidding me? I think I chipped a tooth on the last meat-brick you made.

 

Madeline: You said you liked my meatloaf!

 

Dennis: Yeah. I said I liked your sister too, and we both know that wasn’t true!

 

Madeline: What’s wrong with my sister?

 

Dennis: Nothing. You know…nothing. Some guys like a girl that’s been around the block. Or…across the ocean.

 

Madeline: What is that supposed to mean!?

 

Dennis: Oh, come on, Maddie-

 

Madeline: DON’T call me that!

 

Dennis: Your sister is a tramp.

 

Madeline: YOU are an insensitive chauvinist.

 

Dennis: And you’re Lucifer, but we all deal with that somehow.

 

[Madeline pulls back to hit Dennis – She freezes – Dennis addresses the audience].

 

Dennis: Well, maybe I deserved that one. But the kind of hole you can dig with the shovel she hands me is just too tempting to resist. I decide maybe it's best to just spend the rest of the trip with my mouth shut. It's actually worked pretty well too. But once we get to my parents house the storm is bound to come crashing through.

 

[Back to driving – Madeline unfreezes].

 

Dennis: Well, here we are!

 

Madeline: Super, you’re a GPS now.

 

Dennis: This is gonna’ be a long weekend.

 

Madeline: I hate you.

 

Dennis: Really? Because the first 47 times you said that today just didn’t seem to drive the nail in.

 

Madeline: Shut up. Let’s just get this over with.

 

[Step out of the car – pull chairs back a couple of steps and switch seats to signify a change in setting].

 

Madeline: (muttering conversation to Dennis) Ugh. Your mother’s silver plastic tree just screams class. Your parents are so cheap.

 

Dennis: (defensive) It’s family tradition. It doesn’t matter that it’s cheap! (obviously has a thought he thinks is clever). Just think of it as my family’s version of your sister.

 

Madeline: Oh, I hate you.

 

Dennis: Forty-eight. That’s forty-eight times since we left.

 

Madeline: Die!

 

Dennis: I wish. Can we please just open gifts in silence?

 

Madeline: Sure, sure. Let’s pretend that everything is just peachy.

 

Dennis: I told you. I’m not ready to tell them!

 

Madeline: Yeah, because you’re totally spineless, “Denny”.

 

Dennis: Stop it! Only my mother calls me that.

 

Madeline: I think that proves my point.

Dennis: Just open your gift. 

Madeline: Wow, Doris! It's beautiful. [reads off of the card] For many years of happy marriage. 

Dennis: Of course she did. 

Madeline: Just thank her and let's move on. 

Dennis: Thanks, Mom. That’s great. [opens his own gift] Oh...wow! Look honey, it's a picture frame. And it’s….engraved. Look what it says. 

Madeline: [reading] Denny and Maddie. Well isn't that...nice.

Dennis: It's great. We'll put it to good use.

Madeline: Or burn it.

 Dennis: Shut up.

 

[Madeline sits back, satisfied, with her arms across her chest – freezes. Dennis addresses the audience].

 

Dennis: So I love my mother okay? Sue me. My wife is demented. If your wife was demented you might call your mother a little more often than normal too. But! Madeline got her digs in – she seems to feel pretty satisfied with herself. I’ve got to be in the clear here, right? (Shakes head and braces himself)

 

[Madeline unfreezes, expression automatically angry – punches Dennis in the arm].

 

Dennis: What the – ouch! What?

 

Madeline: What. Is. That!?

 

Dennis: What!?

 

Madeline: Do you see that package there? What is the name on that tag?

 

Dennis: Uh – Chloe?

 

Madeline: Chloe. Chloe? Chloe! Does your mother think that I am blind or that I have no feelings!? I thought you hadn’t told her!

 

Dennis: I haven’t! What are you on about?

 

Madeline: Are you kidding me, Dennis. Chloe, is your ex girlfriend. I'm sure your mother just loves her. I'm sure she invited her.

 

Dennis: Madeline! I have no idea what you’re talking about. I have never dated a Chloe. Never in my life.

 

Madeline: Are you cheating on me? You’re cheating on me!

 

Dennis: Cheating on you. Yeah. That's what I'm doing, Madeline. I'm cheating on you and I'm telling my mother all about it so she can gift wrap sweaters for my mistress.

 

Madeline: I knew it!

 

Dennis: I imagine that gift is for my AUNT Chloe.

 

Madeline: That’s what they all say!

 

Dennis: I don’t-you are insane! When did you go insane? What the hell was I doing? How did I miss that?

 

Madeline: You. Are. So. Hurtful!

 

Dennis: Are you crying!? Madeline, you’ve been throwing small appliances at my head for a year! I’m not cheating on you; I just think you’re nuts!

 

Madeline: I am not nuts! I hate you!

Dennis: I think you mentioned that.

Madeline: I mean it, Dennis Arthur Zorowitz. I think you are pond scum. The lowest of all creatures in existence. I hate you more than I hate birds.

Dennis: More than birds? You're petrified of birds.

Madeline: I'm more petrified of your face.

Dennis: ...good one.

Madeline: I have no insult great enough to describe my feelings for you. I can't believe I ever married you.

Dennis: Don't flatter yourself, Maddie. As if you could've found anyone else to put up with you. You're bipolar.

Madeline: I am not!

Dennis: Mmmhhm

Madeline: (very upset) Why would you think that, Dennis? You. Are. So. Hurtful.

Dennis: And what would you say about yourself? You're not exactly a picnic.

Madeline: At least I tell you how I'm feeling. But could you show me the same courtesy? Of course not. You're much too insensitive for that.

Dennis: I am so sick of you telling me what a horrible person I am. I'm the one that asked for a divorce if you'll recall! I think that should pretty much tell you how I feel.

Madeline: You're sending mixed signals.

Dennis: HOW!?

Madeline: Never mind. I'm not speaking to you.

Dennis: Promise?

Madeline: See, just what I told you. Hurtful!

Dennis: I thought you weren't speaking to me.

Madeline: You are a jerk.

Dennis: [sigh] I can't wait until this is over.

Madeline: Well at least we agree on something.

Dennis: Unlike the majority of decisions made during our marriage.

Madeline: I hate you.

Dennis: Do you really feel it necessary to mention that every few minutes? Did you think I would forget?

Madeline: I just want to make sure you know. Sometimes it takes you a while to understand things. [talk slowly as if speaking to a small child]

Dennis: Oh, I'm hurtful?

Madeline: That's it. I can't do this anymore.

Dennis: What are you talking about?

[Madeline stands up and begins waving her arms around – freezes in a wild pose – Dennis looks at the audience and gestures to her – making an “are you kidding me” face – unfreeze].

 

Madeline: You know what, “Denny”. Let’s get this over with. Let’s tell your mother! 

Dennis: Let’s not make any rash decisions here! 

Madeline: Dennis! We cannot stand each other! 

Dennis: Yes, Madeline. I realize. 

Madeline: I don’t think you do! I cannot pretend to like you. I cannot stand you! 

Dennis: And why is that? What did I ever actually do to you? 

Madeline: (takes a deep breath) You snore. You wear socks with your sandals. You drink milk from the carton. You sweep the floor dirt under the rug. You dust around the pictures and not under them. You have horrible grammar. You're favorite tie does not match ANY of your shirts. You eat all but the very last few chips from the bag and don't throw it away. 

Dennis: Oh, is that all!? 

Madeline: (sighs and looks him over) And if your hairline recedes any further back it’s going to get embarrassing to be seen in public with you. 

Dennis: I am not losing my hair! 

Madeline: Sure. 

Dennis: Fine! Do you want to know what I hate about you? 

Madeline: No.

Dennis: Uh. Oh-kay. (a couple beats of silence and then): You bite your fingernails. You eat all of the M&Ms out of the trail mix. You alphabetize everything. (Madeline attempts to speak. Dennis cuts her off.) No, that's not cute. You chomp your gum. You THROW THINGS AT MY HEAD. You have never been nice to my mother! And you litter.

Madeline: You are SUCH a momma’s boy! If you hate me that much, let’s just TELL her!

Dennis: I don’t want to upset her, Madeline! She has a weak heart. What if she has a heart attack? What if she DIES? It’s CHRISTMAS!

Madeline: I hate you!

Dennis: I know!

Madeline: Dennis. This is ridiculous. I'm telling your mother!

Dennis: Oh no you're not!

Madeline: Oh yes I am!

Dennis: She's gonna' die!

Madeline: She's not gonna' die! Doris! Dennis and I have something to tell you!

Dennis: No we don't!

Madeline: Yes we do. (“Doris” enters from the other room). Doris, Dennis and I- (Doris starts to faint) Doris!?

Dennis: Mom!? (Pause for silence while “Doris speaks”) No! Of course we aren't getting divorced!

Madeline: Dennis!

Dennis: (drags Madeline back to their chairs) She is going to die! Look Mom! We love each other! No divorce. I promise. We love each other.

[Doris leaves the room – Dennis looks pleased, Madeline looks annoyed].

Madeline: I hate you.

Dennis: (puts his arm around her) I know. We'll tell 'em at Easter!

[Madeline freezes in annoyance with his arm around her – Dennis grins and winks at the audience – they both drop their heads].